What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 02:19
He knew the spot.
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I write beautiful poetry .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I think the readers, may guess!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
All the time i was locked up.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
How can I remove decimals in math?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I will be 64.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She loved him until the end.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
What’s wrong with anti-imperialism?
Im still living with it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
What did i know ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Was to survive, this bastard.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I don,t even have a pension.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Comes on , in middle age.
So, i spoilt her more .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He resisted the act ,that day.
It was going to be , some day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I said to her
And i lived it daily.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was very sick at this time too.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was in good health!
I have no regrets .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But, we were locked up after school.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were not on the streets..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ive learnt so much.
I waited trembling.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She found it foreign!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She wouldn,t have been !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is soul school!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But ive been too sick for many years..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She married twice! .
One cannot live in the past .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My life is so biszare .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it wasn’t much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Would this be the day?
When she asked me how she looked .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My family never makes their pension either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.